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Shock State Pension Government Giveaway: find out if you’ve just been made a millionaire

1st April 2017

The UK Government has today on April 1st 2017 announced that it will be adding an extra 55% to all state pension payments – and, because the giveaway will apply retrospectively as well as cumulatively, an estimated 450,000 Brits A YEAR look set to become millionaires.

April Fools Shock State Pension Government Giveaway - hand drawn calendar for april on a virtual interface or screen with the first ringed in red by a man holding a marker pen, closeup of his hand. fools day concept.

Are you one of the many winners in the Government’s surprise bonanza? Find out if you are eligible by category:

  • If you have drawn a UK state pension at any time in your life, then you are now automatically eligible for a retrospective cumulative award going back to your very first pension receipt, as well as a cumulative increase proceeding indefinitely from this point on.
  • If you are currently receiving a state pension, expect a continued and dramatic increase in your state pension.
  • If you are expecting to receive a state pension in the future, you can also expect a continued and dramatic increase in your state pension to apply from your very first pension receipt.

Asked to explain the reasons behind today’s shock government giveaway, Pensions Minister Richard Harrington explained that, “in the Pensions Freedoms of 2015 we slashed the 55% tax on pension drawdown for 11m defined benefit plans to make life easier for pensioners. We see today’s move to boost the state pension by exactly the same figure of 55% as simply a natural and symmetrical progression of this policy, although we would also stress that no numerologists were actually involved in the decision-making process.”

Harrington said the cost of the policy would be “a reasonable £453bn for the first year”, with this figure rising indefinitely “at 0% variation to the exponential”.

Funding this policy, Harrington said, will “… centre on swingeing cuts across central government bureaucracy and a total crackdown in the area of unfair perks – with all MP expenses likely to be permanently axed immediately as a robust initial statement of our policy’s intent to serve the people rather than the politicians.”

Harrington said that the “triple lock on pensions has been picked. And we have thus unlocked a new era of fairness to hard-working Brits in which the pension system rewards people for their hard work – rather than punishes them so severely with pension taxation and paperwork that professional advice is an absolute necessity to avoid getting nailed by the system.”

Andy Haldane, Chief Economist of the Bank of England – who confessed in 2016 to “not being able to make the remotest sense of pensions” – said of today’s jackpot news: “I don’t believe a word of it, obviously, because today is April Fool’s Day.”

In other news, the Government confirmed that it will be giving away the UK’s nuclear launch codes for use in primary school IT projects across the country as well as betting the entire nation’s gold reserves on the UK getting 90 days of 90 degrees heat this summer 2017. #AprilFools


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